The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint The Sky
by Risa Hijikata
Summary: Everything was a monochrome even though they all said that youth is the colour of sakura pink and lush green. He was a swirl of blue that paints the sky but the white erased a part of him. I wondered if a grey monochrome is an ample substitute. OCxHiji, GinHiji, AU, read warning inside before reading.
1. Encounter

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the narrator. Inspiration also based off manga Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: AU, OOC, School-setting, Suicide-related, loss, grieve,**

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**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

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'C'mon, Yamano Saki is cuter than her…' snickered friend A as he pointed his finger at the next page of the gravure magazine.

'No, no…' laughed friend B, 'She has to at least be a C cup right? Hers is bigger.' He distastefully argued. Snacks, empty cans and magazines were spread out before them like a feast of trash on the rooftop.

I sat quietly behind the corner, taking a long drag of the cancer-inducing cigarette and half-listened to their talks as the bell chimed away. It wasn't long before their conversation was drowned out by the noise of chatters from below. The students were filing into the auditorium, all prim and proper, as they're ready to greet the start to the new school year.

The sakura's proud petals still bloom magnificently to greet the spring's new beginning and for me, to mark a new encounter.

I blew the smoke in rings, watching them float momentarily before they disappeared. As I took another breath of nicotine, the sound of footsteps on the stairs became louder and the two boys hurried to hide the cigarettes and the gravures.

The door to the rooftop opened, revealing a handsome man with eyes as blue as clear water and dark hair as black as night. His built was tall and he carried himself with an air of authority that made the boys tremble. He pointed to the sign on the door.

'What are you all doing here? Can you not read the words, "DO NOT ENTER"? And anyway, the school's entrance ceremony is starting.'

'S-s-so sorry Senpai*. W-we'll go now.' Friend A and friend B scrabbled to their feet.

'Hey!' The Senpai called out to them as they leave, 'Don't forget to collect this.' He nudged at the mess near his feet and they hurriedly return to clean it up before they once again leave.

Hidden by the shadow of the clock tower, he did not notice my presence as I sit around the corner, watching him. The door closed behind the two boys as they left and unexpectedly, he was still there, on the rooftop. For all that he had griped at the two for not attending the entrance ceremony, he himself is trying to skip it on purpose.

The blue-eyes walked slowly and came nearer to the fence separating the ground. He stretched, climbing on the wires, and found himself staring at the ground without obstacle. For a second, I thought that he will lift himself over the fence completely, to stand on the edge of the ledge and jump, but he did not do anything but stare at the ground, gazing into oblivion.

He stared at something there, his gaze unmoving. His breath quickened into short pants as the dark blue pupil dilates. He gripped the wires so tightly that it must have made a mark on his palms.

The fire on the cigarette crept closer unnoticed. It burnt my hand and I gave a string of curses that made him jump in surprise, causing him to slip and banged his chin.

A stream of even better curses followed.

Our eyes met and I couldn't stop myself from giving a low chuckle. He frowned for a second before glancing at my "injured" hand and giving a reluctant smile. He cleared his throat to gain my attention and I had no choice but to give him my full attention.

'You shouldn't be here.' He demanded, his air of authority once again slipped back into the commanding tone.

'So do you.' I carelessly replied.

He was startled by the rebellious content of my reply and for a moment, the mask fell.

He regained his composure and started again. 'You shouldn't be here smoking. It's only the beginning of the semester and you'll get suspended for breaking school rules.'

'Are you going to tell on me, Senpai? The fact that I smoked on the rooftop?' I gave a small smile.

'Are you saying that I won't?' he challenged.

'No, I don't have the guarantee that you won't, but I'll tell them that it's lucky I was here smoking, so I could stop you when you were going to jump.'

'I wasn't!' he denied hotly.

'But I saw you climbing the fence and you _did_ climb it, right? Sen~pai~?'

'But that doesn't mean that I was gonna jump!'

'And who would they believe? The delinquent first-year or the Senpai suffering from PTSD?'

He was silent.

He drew a small breath as if to muster up his courage and asked suspiciously, 'Who are you? How do you know? Did someone tell you something?'

'Now now, one by one Senpai. I told you, I'm just the usual delinquent. There's no need for suddenly putting up your guard like that.' I opened the new pack of cigarette and light it. 'People talk, rumours fly. Regardless whether this is an all-boys' school or not.'

I offered the opened pack to him and he stared at the arm that held it, but made no move to take it.

'I heard it in the news too of course, that two years ago, a freshman jumped from this very exact spot. My brother, who was an alumni, was also saying that the guy who died had a close friend, and said that he felt sorry for him.'

'That's not enough to tell that it's me…'

I looked up to raise a quizzical eyebrow. 'I never said it was you. I just presumed til you said it otherwise.'

He drew back in realization and resumed to glare at me as if look can kill.

'Well, you were looking at the ground so intensely that it left me no doubt.' I lifted the cigarette from my lips.

'You're the worst.' He spat. 'Is it fun to goad your Senpai like that?'

'I find nothing fun in it.' I calmly replied. 'I'm just bargaining with you not to get me suspended.'

He scoffed. 'Yeah, by showing me who has the upper advantage, huh?'

'Now, now. All I want is only a small peace and quiet with my cigarettes here.' I tapped the pack next to me. 'I'll keep your secret safe, Senpai, as thanks for driving away those noisy brats earlier. So please keep my secret safe too.'

He lowered his guard for a moment and reluctantly grumbled, 'Fine', and as he made a move to leave, I called him back.

'The ceremony has already started.' I patted the ground beside me, indicating for him to sit.

The ridges between his eyebrows deepened as if to say, 'What kind of attitude is that to treat your Senpai?', but he deemed the frown to be enough as an answer and left without a word.

The sound of the door shutting resounded with finality, and I couldn't help but found myself intrigued to the Senpai whose blue eyes darkened to the colour of the bottom of the ocean as he gazed to the ground that is death.

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**A/N:** *Senpai= title for someone older than you at school (upperclassmen)

I'm sorry I haven't updated the other fics... this is just a stress-reliever that idk when I'll nxt update. I'm quite busy atm so I'll work on the other fics properly when I hv a break.


	2. Petals

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the OC. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, etc.**

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**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

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'Hey, hey, did you hear? About that first year student…' whispered the girl, standing with her friends to the side of the school's corridor.

'I heard he's a transfer student? And he had the guts to skip the entrance ceremony…' replied her friend.

From the rumours spread around by the girls, the first year student had apparently missed the entrance ceremony on his first day and moreover, he dared to step into the classroom only when the bell for the last period had sounded.

_How impudent,_ he thought to himself. _Skipping lessons only to attend the last one on his first day… who did he think he is?_

Hijikata had the vague idea that the subject of the gossip was the delinquent he encountered on the rooftop yesterday. He was slightly impressed at how quickly that man had become famous throughout the school, although it was all most likely due to the unusual grey eyes that he possessed, -and for the girls, apparently for his looks too-. But overall, he was secretly grateful to him that the unsavoury gossip to the beginning of the year was about someone else and did not involve him.

Even so, any thoughts of gratefulness fled the moment he remembered yesterday's unpleasant exchange.

He was startled to see someone else on the rooftop after he sent the two guys packing. He thought that he had the space on the forbidden rooftop all to his self, and he lowered his guard for a little bit.

The grey eyes stared at him in scrutiny. He felt those eyes examined every movement that he made and observed every expression that escaped him. He could not tell what he was thinking and it made him feel strangely self-conscious.

It must have shown on his face after all, -the fear and the hurt; the scars that he hid-, because he saw the shadow of someone who was not there as he tiptoed on the ledge. Gripping the wire fence that separated him from the ground, he was straining and reaching, yearning for something that he cannot have. White and silver swayed like petals across his vision and something inside him flinched.

That delinquent must have seen the fear etched on his face.

He was sure of it.

That is why he tried to blackmail him despite the fact that Hijikata is older. _But then again, I'm not one to be easily blackmailed. I must've lowered my guard too much._

He came to the end of the corridor and stopped in front of the plaque with the "Student Council Room" inscribed on it. He knocked twice, and a voice from inside called out in answer, heading towards the door to open it.

'Ah, Tosshi! You're just in time.'

The door opened to reveal a tanned rough face with coarse brown hair. His appearance was casual –or slack, Hijikata thought- and the goatee he paraded made him look older than he actually is.

'How can I help, Student Council President?' Hijikata formally replied.

'No way,… why are you using polite speech?' the Student Council President thumped his back with familiarity. 'Aren't we friends? Hahaha'

Hijikata intentionally cleared his throat and start again, 'How can I help, Kondou-san?'

'That's more like it,' the enthusiastic man gave a jovial laugh. Settling down, he remembered once again as to what it was that he wanted to ask. He slung his arm across Hijikata's shoulder and casually asked, 'Can you help out again this year?'

'…Again?' he asked with a hint of exasperation. He had an idea that he was called for this, but betraying none of his thoughts away, he settled for an expression between a frown and an annoyance.

'Please! There's no one else who'd do the job as well as you.'

There was a sigh of resignation, and reluctantly, he agreed to once again do the accounting books for the Student Council.

The President was happy that he agreed, and thinking that he might have a chance this year, he had to continue. 'Tosshi, won't you become the Treasurer for the Student Council again? I know a lot of things had happ-…'

'…-I'm sorry, Kondou-san, but I can't go back in there.'

A hint of sadness was reflected on the clear blue eyes and the President fell silent. He did not elaborate as to what it was that prevented him to cross the doorway of the Student Council room but Kondou figured that everyone has their own demon to deal with.

_Especially after all that he had to go through_. Koundou sympathetically thought.

At last, he nodded. 'Well, if you change your mind, tell me. The spot is always open.'

Kondou stepped back, releasing Hijikata from the familiar arm hold. In return, Hijikata bowed slightly, before whispering 'Thank you' and 'Excuse Me', within the same breath.

He returned the way he came from, heading towards the classroom with a difficult expression on his face.

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**A/N**: *Kouhai= Younger classmen (opposite of Senpai)

Ahahaha, I said I'm on hiatus but I ended up writing as a form of procrastination


	3. Blur

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the OC. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, etc.**

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**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

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I figured I would meet him again.

Even though this private school has more than one thousand students, I know that I will soon meet him again, – the Senpai with the cold blue eyes and the eternally-unchanging, frowning expression.

I saw him from below, a dark silhouette that covered the sun. He was up there on the rooftop, -unmoving-, lethargy plague his body gestures.

Once again he ignored the sign on the door that banned students from entering the vicinity, and he was leaning against the rail, watching the people below with an empty expression.

The wind was cold that day, and the breeze blew the jet black hair to disarray; the owner of it was disinterested at the locks of hair that were obstructing his line of vision. He was watching everything, -the people below, the swooping crows, the trailing clouds-, and yet, nothing was reflected in those clear blue eyes.

'Yo, we meet again.' I called out behind him.

He whisked around, surprised that there was someone else beside him on the rooftop. I saw him placed his hands into the blazer's pocket swiftly, as if he had something to hide. It was a blur of black gloves and something white; gone at a speedy instance. He then meet my gaze and that familiar frown returned along with his guarded stance.

'What do you want?' I expected this welcome that was full of hostility.

'I just need a smoke.' I replied, hiding the fact that I had chased after him. Getting the packet out of my pant's pocket, I set about in lighting the cigarette. I inhaled a breath of smoke, took the cigarette from my lips and leaned against the rail beside him, watching the class doing their warm-up exercises below.

He looked sideways at me, showing an obvious suspicion as if I planned to pounce at him the moment he let his guard down.

'Skipping class, Senpai? That's not like you.' I commented.

'As if. I'm not you.' He replied defensively.

'That's my class.' He pointed at the boys running the hundred meter dash, the instructor organizing the boys to record down their times. 'I've asked for permission to be excused from the lesson.'

'Oh? Are you sick or something?' I curiously asked while I inhaled another breath of nicotine.

I can feel his gaze on me and he paused, searching for an excuse.

'…you tell me. I thought you know everything about me. …Enough for blackmail purposes.' He added.

'Come now Senpai. You think I'm that kind of person?'

He scoffed, 'So far, that's the only impression you gave me.'

'I'm hurt.' I mocked. I can see that the flat intonation I have used irked him, and he switched his gaze to the boys levelling the sand, whilst another boy, -with dark brown hair and lanky limbs-, prepared himself to run the long jump.

I let out a soft chuckle and I guess he heard me, for he gave me another sharp glare that would have killed someone else but me.

'What's so funny? You think blackmailing me is fun, huh.'

'Haha,… it's not like that.' I tilted my head to face him and leaned against the rail before the wire fence. 'I just thought, you're different from how I imagined you to be, Senpai.'

'…how you imagined me…' he reiterated and paused. 'What do you mean by that?'

'From the first time I saw you, I thought you were an honour student with a cold attitude who would lord his authority all over us. But once I've spoken with you, you're surprisingly hot-tempered, and far from being an honour student, you break the rules to suit your own purposes too.'

He seemed to be taken aback, '…Are you saying I'm a hypocrite? For enforcing the rules and yet I don't follow them myself?'

I laughed. 'I didn't mean to insinuate that. I was just complimenting you, Senpai, for being an unexpectedly interesting character.'

He scowled, slightly offended from the statements that I've made. 'I don't want to hear that from you.' He turned his face away from me, and gripping the wire with gloved hands, leaned his chin against the railing.

'I could say the same about you. You looked like you would be the type who would become the Teacher's pet but from your attitude, you're a delinquent through and through. I'm surprised that you haven't bleached your hair or pierced your nose yet.' He accusingly stated.

'Nah, I like this light brown colour, and anyway, piercings look like it'll hurt.' I stated matter-of-factly.

He seemed surprised, as if I had just said something cowardly, and an amused smile graced his lips without his notice.

'You can't say I'm interesting when you spout things that are contrary to your image like that.' He lightly protested, mirth in his tone.

'Ah, is Senpai saying that contrary to my delinquent image, I'm surprisingly only a decent, handsome man? Why, I'm honoured.' I smirked.

For the first time, I saw him laughed. The peals of his laughter sounded like a foreign melody that I couldn't have enough of. The tears on the corner of his eyes glistened like precious jewels, and that warmth reflected on his expression is more beautiful than the icy expression he usually paraded.

'By the way, speaking of looks,…' he rubbed the corners of his eyes, calming himself down from the chuckles that plagued him. '…is that colour normal?'

'Are you talking about my eyes?' I exhaled a breath of ashen smoke and stomped the cigarette stub under the sole of my shoe. 'Yeah, apparently my Grandmother was from Russia or something, so in my family we have quite a variation of eye colours.'

'Oh, really?' he asked, his interest piqued.

'Yeah. The old guy (my Dad), he has dark brown and his wife's is hazel. Then there was my brother who had slightly dark red-ish brown, with me being the lightest colour in the family.'

'Heeeh,… that's interesting.' He lightly frowned. Something seemed to quickly flit across his mind.

'What about you, Senpai? How did you get that blue eyes?'

He froze at the unexpected question. Once again, he struggled for an excuse and quickly masked his inner turmoil. 'I probably had an English ancestor somewhere in my tree line. But anyway, did you say you had a brother?'

_He switched the topic, I see_, I thought to myself as I scrutinized his reactions.

'Yeah… didn't I tell you before? He was an alumni.'

The flow of the conversation reminded the blue-eyed Senpai once again of the blackmail the Kouhai had imposed on him, and his guard was once again put into place.

'That remind me, you didn't answer as to how you knew what happened in the past…'

'Are you talking about the guy who committed suicide? I told you, I just heard it from the rumours.'

'How much do you know…? About that… incident…' Senpai softly drifted off. There was quiet hesitance to bring the topic up but nevertheless, he was persistent to see how much this Kouhai knew.

I closely examined his expression, wondering as to how much I could get away by lying to him. He seemed to be uncomfortable by my gaze, and a sudden thought made him realize that he had taken his gloved hands out of his blazer pockets. He quickly hid them, but I saw a glimpse of what he hadn't wanted me to see.

'Was that… a bandage? What's wrong with your hands, Senpai?'

'N-nothing.' He backed away, increasing the distance between us. 'I,… -I hurt myself when I was cooking dinner.' He redirected his face towards the door, as if planning for escape, and I'm sure that he must be conjuring a hundred excuses in his mind to change the topic, or for a way for him to leave inconspicuously.

'Oh…' I feigned an interest and changed the topic in his stead. 'I didn't know you can cook. How about making lunch for me, Senpai?'

'W-what!?' he was clearly taken by surprise. 'Why would I do that!?'

'Because I want to eat something homemade by you.' I mischievously reasoned. He was displeased; thinking of how troublesome it will take to wake up early every morning just to get the bento ready.

'It doesn't have to be everyday.' I pushed. 'Tomorrow is Friday. So Senpai, make it for me every Friday? If you're feeling enthusiastic, you can make it for every other days too.'

'A-as if I'll be enthusiastic about this!' he retorted.

He wanted to refuse – I can clearly see it in his eyes, but he seemed to rethink his decision and sighed with reluctance.

'I suppose I don't have a choice in this?' The question was directed more towards himself as he wondered what had led to this. He knew I would push for what I wanted, - making use of my blackmail methods if it was necessary-, and he deemed that there was no point in risking that.

Instinctively, I looked towards the horizon, and hidden by the palm of my hand was the small crease of a smile accompanied by a masked chuckle.

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**A/N**: *bento: packed lunch box with variation of side dishes


	4. Indifference

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the OC, Souta and Taichi. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, etc.**

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**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

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The bell to the last period rang melodiously.

Everyone packed up their textbooks and stationaries to head off to their clubs or to hang out with their friends after school. Several students on duty readied themselves to clean the classroom.

Hijikata packed quickly, stood up from his seat and was about to head for the door with his bag in hand when a guy he did not recognize stopped him.

'Hijikata-san, where are you going? You're on duty too.' The boy with sandy-brown coloured hair pointed at his name on the blackboard.

Hijikata frowned. He has something to do that he could not put off after school. He opened his mouth to ask for the favour of excusing him from duty but he saw the guy's friend grabbing his arm.

'Sou-kun! Come, come… come here for a bit.' His friend hurriedly dragged him out of Hijikata's hearing range.

'You're a transfer student so you don't know this but, we always excuse him from after school cleaning duty.' The friend whispered to the guy called Sou-kun.

'Huh? Why? What kind of preferential treatment is that?' Sou-kun complaint. It seemed unfair to him that this "Hijikata" could get out of cleaning duty Scott-free. He has something to do and somewhere to be too but he would not make an excuse out of it to get out of something that he is supposed to do.

'It's not exactly a preferential treatment per se…' the friend hesitated.

Hijikata, who guessed what the content of the whispered conversation is about, asked, 'Is this going to take long? I have somewhere I need to be.'

Hijikata made his way towards the door once again but was blocked by the shorter boy.

'Oh no, you don't… You're not getting out of here that easily.' Sou-kun said whilst his friend worriedly glanced at Hijikata's face to determine his expression. Once again, Sou-kun's friend tugged at him.

'I- it's alright, Hijikata-san… I can help Sou-kun here,… so you can attend to whatever it is that you need to do.' He dragged Sou-kun aside from blocking the opening of the doorway.

Hijikata's frown mellowed and he grunted a small _thanks_ before he was completely out of the classroom.

Those who watched the spectacle sighed with relief but Sou-kun was fuming.

'Why did you let him go, Taichi!' Sou-kun crossed his arms, tapping his foot as he glared at his newly-made friend.

Taichi sighed. Burdened by Souta's ignorance, he made an effort to explain.

'Have you heard the rumours about what happened in this school, two years ago?'

Souta paused to recall something from his memory. 'That student suicide that appeared in the news?'

'Yeah. That's the one. I'm surprised you remembered.'

Souta scratched the back of his head. 'Yeah, well, I remembered my Sis' exaggerated reaction when she saw the news so when I heard that I'm transferring to this school this year, the knowledge was at the back of my mind. But what about it?'

Taichi lowered his voice so that no one else could hear them.

'Apparently, the guy who died was Hijikata's best friend.'

'Really!?' Souta was surprised. From what he saw, Hijikata was the anti-social type. His expressions were cold and his body language demanded people to leave him alone.

To hear that Hijikata had a best friend extorted a gasp of amazement from him.

Taichi nodded. 'Yeah. But that's not all. Some people said, they were more than best friends. They said he was,… that way. ...you know…' Taichi did not finish his sentence.

Souta was not stupid enough to _not_ catch the drift. He can feel his facial expression involuntarily scrunched up in disgust and Taichi gave a small laugh for his success in getting the reaction that he wanted.

_Still_, 'What does that have to do with allowing him to skip cleaning though?' Souta protested.

'You see, he went berserk in the middle of cleaning once. Apparently it happened when he was cleaning up that desk.' Taichi pointed to the empty desk at the very back. 'It used to be the dead guy's…'

A small understanding dawned on Souta and Taichi continued with a shrug.

'Well, since then, we just let him off for cleaning because we don't know what else might set him off. He had to be restrained by about three teachers that time – just to stop him from thrashing the classroom, so we figured that it's probably better that we clean up without him.'

Souta nodded. 'I guess that's a fair reason…' he murmured as they resumed in stacking the chairs.

Taichi grunted in agreement. 'Yeah, you'll never know what else he might do if he goes all crazy again.'

* * *

Hijikata rushed to the train station and caught the leaving train just in time. He seated himself in one of the row of empty seats and saw the sun setting through the window.

It has been two years since he saw the familiar view. The sun setting in the horizon bled red and orange light, the clouds stained with the after-glow as they drifted across. This tragically beautiful scenery always reminded him of those mesmerising eyes of his beloved's.

His inner sadness made him clenched his palm. He knew that his nails would probably make the usual crescent marks, but he felt comforted by the pain – it ties him to this empty reality and it is alright, he thought, as long as he did not break the skin again.

The train stopped with a screeching echo. Hijikata had arrived at the last station. He left the station to walk for a few minutes in the Southern direction and found an arched gate hidden by purple wisteria. He saw the ordered row of tombstones and with practiced knowledge, he made his way to the furthest end of the graveyard. There, he found the still-recent grey tombstone, laid amongst all the other family tombstones.

He crouched down and sat on the pathway. He wiped the tombstone off a non-existent dust.

The grave is in a perfect condition – fresh flowers, lit incense, clean nameplate. One could see that Hijikata did not slack in his maintenance.

But that was not the only thing that he had come for.

He came for the company or perhaps he came to keep him company. Who knows.

The silence became comfortable for him now. After all, dead man cannot talk and all the things that Hijikata had wanted to say, he had unloaded to that clear tombstone on the first few days of its' presence. He had hurled those words in rage even though he knew that he will only hear an echo of himself as an answer.

At the time, there were a lot of regret. There were a lot of tears. There was the sound of his heart, shattering loudly in his ears.

But he managed. He bit his lip and swallowed down those bile of regrets. He closed his eyes and held back his tears.

His heart – he gathered the pieces and threw the fragments away.

In the first few days that he was gone, all Hijikata wanted to do was to curl up next to the cold slab of stone. All he wanted was to be there for him because it was his fault that he was not there for him when he was alive.

His brother stopped him. He said he was acting irrationally. _Stop with this foolishness_, his words echoed in Hijikata's mind.

His brother was the one most shocked to find out about their relationship. Hijikata on the other hand, was the one most shocked to find his brother raising his voice at him for his love that his brother had called a delusion on his part.

He did not want to hear it. Not on the day of _his_ funeral.

He should have followed him the moment he knew he was gone but he could not.

Because living was the price he had to pay – the price for not being there when he needed him the most.

* * *

Hijikata Tamegoro came back home to find the lights still turned off.

He presumed that Toushirou would probably still be grave-visiting. He knew that his brother will not come home until the clock on the wall is pointed to nine; the time for the last train to leave.

He prepared dinner that is consisted of rice, miso soup, a side dish of potato salad and grilled fish. He set the chopsticks and served the food on the dining table, not forgetting to place Toushirou's favourite condiment near his dish.

He turned on the TV as he waited. Several comedy routines passed him by as he constantly strained his ears to listen to the front door that would only creak open an hour later.

Tamegoro greeted Toushirou as his brother took off his shoes at the entrance. He jovially ushered him in for dinner and habitually asked how his day had been. He was met with monotonous indifference but Tamegoro would not give up.

They sat through dinner with one-sided conversation on Tamegoro's part. Toushirou did not initiate a topic of conversation and only replied when he had to. It was a strained relationship, held together with Tamegoro's desperation to patch things up.

Toushirou reached for the bottle of his favourite condiment and Tamegoro stopped himself mid-sentence upon noticing the white bandage covered by the gloves.

'Tosshi, did you hurt yourself again?'

Toushirou retracted his hand back as if he had been burned. Not sure how to answer the question, Toushirou put his hand together to thank for the food and excused himself from the table.

Tamegoro quickly grabbed the leaving arm from across the table.

'Wait! Let me see.'

Toushirou tried to shake it off but his grip was strong.

'It's nothing. I accidentally hurt it in woodwork lesson.' Toushirou murmured.

'Let me attend to it then.' Tamegorou insisted. 'I'm not letting go til you said yes.'

Toushirou could not refuse and so he resigned himself to his brother's care.

Tamegoro unwind the loose bandaging and saw the clotted wounds. The bloody crescent-shaped marks were clearly from the fact that Toushirou dug his nails into his palm until it bled. It was clearly not an injury from the "woodwork lesson" as he had claimed.

Tamegoro left to fetch the first-aid box. He came back soon after and started on sterilizing the wound and firmly tightened it with a fresh bandage.

'All done.' He proudly examined his handiwork.

Toushirou muttered a reluctant thanks and flexed his fingers and found it better than how it was before. Satisfied, he was about to leave for his room when Tamegoro's voice stopped him.

'…You know, I am sorry.' Tamegoro softly whispered. 'It's been two years since then and I know I hadn't spoken much about it until now, but I hope you can find it somewhere in you to forgive me.'

Toushirou was not sure what it was that Tamegoro had wanted him to forgive.

Was it for calling his love for a man a mere_ delusion_? Was it for acting _foolishly_ when he was drowning in grief? Or was it for Tamegoro not being able to accept what he was -and still is-, for his inability to fall in love with anyone else but a man?

'There's nothing to apologize for. It wasn't Nii-san's* fault for pointing out the truth.' Hijikata paused. 'The abnormality lies with me and so there is nothing wrong with being unable to accept it.' He hesitated awhile before he corrected himself, 'accept... me.'

Those words weighed heavily in Tamegoro's heart. He saw how much his words had impacted on his little brother and he could see the self-loathing present in those darkening blue eyes. Sadly, he was not even given the chance to apologize. _Is this how our relationship as brothers will end?_ The thought momentarily crossed his mind.

Toushirou rose from the sofa and took his school bag with him. His steps were composed and measured even though the person himself was in turmoil.

Tamegoro saw the fragile back disappeared behind the corner and heard Toushiro's bedroom door closed with a lonely click.

* * *

A/N: Nii-san: the way Tosshi addressed his older brother in this fic. Shorter version of Onii-san.

This was long. A lot is covered. So dramatic. But I like it. Review?


	5. Rest

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the OC (narrator). Also based off the manga Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grief, etc.**

* * *

**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

* * *

I was looking forward to this Friday.

The moment the bell rang to indicate the time for lunch time, I made my way towards the rooftop to meet the Senpai that I didn't know the name of.

It is peculiar for me to have this much of an interest in someone or to think that spending my time with someone else is even remotely close to the word "fun".

More than curiosity, I was attracted by the sense of fragility hidden underneath. There was a crack in his surface, unseen by others, and something in me had wanted to peel away those layers.

This bad habit is probably because I have spent my middle-school years in rough company with all of the delinquents in my previous school. It had its moment of fun and it was enough to keep me amused temporarily. But as soon as Father found out that I was going "astray", he had instantly transferred me into this school where brother had attended.

Previously an all-boys school, Nagano Senior High have prided themselves for their academic excellence and prestigious reputation. Recently, they have proven their claim by placing into the top ten of the academic school ranking nationally, and to gather profit in return, they have started accepting more female students from the end of last year. Although they are still few in numbers in comparison to the male population, the girls flock together in groups and their loud squeals are nothing but nuisance to my ears.

Especially in moments like these…

'Where are you going, Kei-kun?' a girl with silky-straight black hair came from the opposite direction. She was accompanied by her group of friends and one might think they all looked cute, if only their skirts are a little bit longer.

'Somewhere.' I answered briefly, annoyed that the girl who is acting like the leader of the group, had called me by my first name.

She always came on to me during class breaks and though I had treated her coldly, she had tried to push her way in – to try to place herself in my favour. I'm sure, just like any other, she found me interesting because of the rare colour of my eyes, and just like any others, she would soon become tired of my attitude.

'Can I come too? We can have lunch together.' She acted innocently, as if she did not time her meeting with me in accordance to her scenario.

'No. Someone is waiting for me.' I quickly refused, giving her no chance to recover from being taken aback by my refusal.

'C-could it be your girlfriend?' One of the other girls asked in her stead.

'Hm…' I paused. '…well,.. something like that. That person is bringing a bento for me, so I've got to go.' I casually replied.

They looked shock. Of course. It has only been a week since I have transferred into this supposedly prestigious school. I would not believe it either if someone said that they've managed to snag a girlfriend within that short period of time.

They can doubt me all they like. I have no intention for anyone to share in the little private time I have with Senpai.

I left them in the hallway and started climbing the pair of stairs that would lead to the second level. From there, I continued to the end of the hallway where another secluded set of stairs leads to the forbidden rooftop.

I opened the unlocked door, and saw the jet black hair already fluttering in the wind, the owner of it was called into a momentary slumber. Quietly, I closed the door behind me and approached the sleeping figure with the stealth of a tiger.

Close beside him, I can see the hand that rested on his stomach rise and fall, and his head slightly tilted to the left in an uncomfortable position. For the first time, there was not a hint of a frown but a blissful peace expressed on his face.

I stopped for a second to look at his sleeping face. The curvature of his cheekbones and brows, they're all in such a perfect shape that I know, he must have had his share of girl troubles. I'm surprised that he somehow managed to not stand out anymore than necessary _but then again, a handsome boy in this school majorly populated by boys would not be enough to make him shine in the spotlight, I suppose_.

A cool breeze blew and he stirred in his sleep. The frown returned as he scrunched his face, seemingly as if he recalled a bad memory. He started to flail and thrashed his arms around, and I had no choice but to stop those arms and pinned them to the ground before he hurts himself. He gritted his teeth and I could hear a whimper escaped him. I shook him hard, trying to snap him awake but it was to no avail.

Then, he jerked suddenly and the abrupt movement made him knock the back of his head to the wall he was leaning on.

'Senpai?' I called, as I tried to make sure that he is now awake. I couldn't see his expression, covered by the mound of his knees as he buried his face there whilst his hands covered the sore points on his head.

'Senpai? Are you alright?' There was still no reply. 'You had a nightmare and was thrashing around quite violently so I had to wake you.'

He shifted slightly and the blue of his eyes peeked out to look at me.

'Yeah. I'm fine.' He kept rubbing the back of his head. 'Thanks.'

'Didn't sleep well last night?' I sat beside him, noticing his grimace and low mutter of curses for falling asleep at school.

'Yeah, I was up late. Is lunch time finished?'

'No, not yet. It's only been about 10 minutes. You can sleep more if you want to.'

'No, no need.' He instantly refused.

'Then, we should have our lunch then.' I offered my hand towards him, waiting in anticipation.

He rummaged the plastic bag beside him for something and upon finding it, he slapped it onto the open palm of my hand.

'…mayonnaise?'

'Yeah. That's your lunch.'

'…and what about my bento?'

'Didn't have time to make it.' He shrugged as he rustled the convenience store bag once more for a yakisoba bread and lathered it with the mayonnaise from his own bottle.

'…at least give me a yakisoba bread too, Senpai…' I grumbled.

He heard it and sighed. He took out a packet of sandwich and lightly threw it over to my lap. '…make do with that.' He mumbled between half-bites.

I opened the packet with a smile and took out the first triangle-cut sandwich. The first bite made me realize as to how hungry I was and I devoured it in seconds. I took the other half of the sandwich and finished it within seconds too.

Senpai looked at me curiously.

'You're strange.'

'Huh?' The statement took me by surprise. 'Oh, I was starving. I don't normally eat that fast.'

'No, not about that. You didn't comment on how much I like mayonnaise.'

'Oh, that.' I scratched my right cheek lightly with my index finger in uncertainty.

'Well,… I have a reason for that. Someone in my family is pretty crazy too in his choice of condiment. So, watching you degrading that yakisoba bread wasn't too shocking actually. You can say,.. I'm immune to it by now?'

He lifted his brows, waiting for me to elaborate as to who it was that I was referring to but I took the opportunity before he could.

'What were you dreaming about back then, Senpai?'

He choked a little and coughed. Flustered, he took a gulp of water from his bottle before he could answer the question.

'I wasn't dreaming.' He curtly replied.

'Then, what nightmare were you seeing?' I tilted the position of my head so I could see the face that had started to turn away from me.

'Like I said, I wasn't dreaming so I wasn't having a nightmare either.' He scrunched up the wrapper and placed it back into the convenience store bag.

I gave a soft _Hmm_ and I could tell he's restless. He tried not to fidget but his body language clearly showed me how uncomfortable he is with the questions.

'… then,… if it's not a dream and it's not a nightmare,… _what_ _past memory were you seeing?_'

He flinched and the movement of his hands stopped before they slowly started to shake. He brought them together, trying to stop them from trembling but the tremors run through him and it wasn't long before the whole of his body started to shake from something that he remembered.

I grabbed those hands in mine, afraid that he'll flail around and accidentally hurt himself again, and he did not refuse it. Pushing my luck, I pulled the rest of him near and enveloped him within my embrace. He was warm and his clothes carried the light scent of the sun.

The bandaged hands on my collar grasped tightly as if he was drowning.

His tremors did not subside and worse still, I could hear the soft whispers of 'I'm sorry,…I'm sorry…' and he would repeat himself like a broken record.

'Why are you asking for forgiveness?'

I whispered close to his left ear and the bass tone of my voice seems to carry to his heart.

'…for letting you die al-…' He jerked, and pushed me away roughly.

It seemed to dawn on him that it was me he was speaking and holding to. He was startled and looked at his bandage-covered hands as if he could not believe what he had done. Bewildered, he stumbled over his words, and by throwing out a few barely coherent excuses, he fled from the scene as fast as he could.

It is now only a few minutes before the bell once again resound for the next period. I stayed to savour the taste of clean air in the open rooftop.

I was disappointed that he did not crumble easily, yet I too, was excited for the fact that he did not crumble that easily.

Perhaps I'm treating this like a game but that is not entirely true. I'm here only to uncover what had happened two years ago.

An important event that I need to know for the reason beyond that of satisfying my curiosity. I need to know the days leading to _that_ crucial event,…

…about Hijikata Toshirou's involvement on the suicide of Sakata Gintoki.

* * *

**A/N:** So sleepy... zzz


	6. Deeply

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except the narrator. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, etc**

* * *

**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

* * *

Hijikata could not believe as to what he had done.

He stared at the bandage-covered hands, frowning at them as if they had betrayed him.

_How could he? _

How could he had just grabbed at that transfer student's collar as if it was his lifeline? How could he had mistaken that delinquent as _him_?

No.

It was an accidental mistake.

It was certainly because he was half-awake. The shadow that he saw of _him_ overlapped with that transfer student just because they look slightly similar.

The way he laughed, -with the crease of his smile never reaching his eyes-, is the same way as to when Gintoki laughed when he dismisses the important things…

_No, no_.

He decided that he will not dwell on the past, but what is this? The past has been haunting him quite persistently lately.

He had no time to rest when memories replayed as nightmares and plague him through the night.

Hijikata was distraught upon seeing that fleeting smile over and over within his dreams. That smile was distant, and sad, and ethereal. It emphasised his helplessness on the fact that there was nothing he could have done to prevent it, and if by chance that he did stop it, there was a conviction within him that it will still come to the same ending one day.

Hijikata closed his eyes. Something within him is screaming loudly and there was a buzzing in his ears. He squirmed, and cradled his head within his arms.

A noise, a scream. A red flashed before him. And then more screams as the smile repeated, repeated and everything went into a blank white silence.

He gritted his teeth, shaking his head to will the images away.

The teacher noticed his restless groans and out of genuine concern, paused the class to ask for his well-being.

'Hijikata-kun? Are you alright? Can you hear me?'

Hijikata nodded but shook his head a second later.

'Someone on duty, please take Hijikata-kun to the infirmary.' The teacher loudly said.

'No, it's alright. I'll be fine by myself.' He managed to choke out.

He languidly left his seat and stumbled his way out the door. Looks of concern passed through amongst the students whilst some disinterestedly paid little attention to him.

As he closed the door, he could hear the voice of his teacher, resuming the lesson straight away.

A sudden dizziness passed through him and he had to lean on the wall to manage his bearing. It passed a moment later but he stayed there, having no will to go to the infirmary room.

'Toushirou-kun?' A familiar voice spoke up behind him.

He turned to see the person he was trying to avoid meeting, walking towards him.

'Yuiko-sensei.' He acknowledged.

'Are you alright?' She concernedly asked.

He noticed that she had come from the direction of the staff room and silently cursed his luck that she had to see him in his moment of weakness. Toushirou quickly righted his posture and gave a slight nod. He was about to excuse himself when a hand on his forehead stopped him.

'You're a little warm. Come lie down in the infirmary. I don't want it to get worse and become a fever.'

Before he could voice his refusal, she firmly pulled him to walk in the direction that she had wanted.

* * *

Lying down on the infirmary bed, Yuiko-sensei wrung a cool cloth to be placed on his forehead.

'You've been avoiding me, Toushirou-kun.' She stated matter-of-factly.

Toushirou was a little surprised that she would be so blunt in approaching this subject. He was caught unprepared and thus, he was unsure as to how he should respond to the subtle accusation.

'How are you lately? I hope you've been taking good care of yourself.' She gave a small pat on his resting shoulder. The light jab from her had made him feel slightly guilty. 'It seems like you're slowly losing weight. Please don't give Tamegoro-san extra worries.'

The breeze from the open window fluttered the curtain dividers to a noisy rattle. She moved away to close it.

'Sensei,' Toushirou spoke up at last. 'I'm… so sorry.'

Yuiko-sensei gave a quick glance towards the bed and saw that he had turned his face away from her, disabling her from seeing his expression.

Yuiko-sensei hesitated, 'Are you saying that because you haven't been taking of yourself for me, Toushirou-kun?' She paused. 'Or are you… bringing up about the past?' There was worry in her tone and he knew that it was for his sake.

There was a rustle from the bed as he curled away in the other direction. 'It's just that,… I haven't had the chance to say it before.'

Yuiko-sensei sighed. It always weighed her heart whenever she remembered the past. A lot of things happened that she had wanted to forget… if only she could.

'It's not your fault that things had turned out the way they are, so there's no need for you to apologize.' Her voice was kind but shame prevented him from making an eye-contact.

'-But it is.' Toushirou interjected. 'I'm the catalyst. If not for me, you would have…'

'…-Toushirou-kun.' She took a seat on the small chair beside his bed. 'It is true that perhaps you're a part of the reason why I cannot marry into the Hijikata family without my parents' blessings, but that doesn't mean that you're the _whole_ _cause_ of it.'

She patted his head softly and there was something motherly in the way that she had done it.

'Even if I'm not your sister-in-law, I'm still your Sensei and I care about my students. So the next time you're sick again, come to the infirmary and don't you dare avoid me, understand?' She warned him sternly.

Toushirou obediently nodded.

There were other things that he felt he needed to say to her but the calm seeping into his bones was just too much. This sense of peace that he hadn't felt for a long time, had threatened to overtake him into a peaceful darkness.

The next thing he knew, Toushirou had fallen asleep to the sound of soft footsteps and the calm rustle of a white lab coat.

* * *

Yuiko-sensei moved to take the basin of water from the side table to empty it out into the sink.

As she turned away, there was a rustle coming from another bed and without Yuiko-sensei's notice, a shadow crept from that bed to sneak into another.

The so-called shadow was the first-year junior, Kobayashi Kei.

He had been skipping class to sleep in the infirmary bed when Yuiko-sensei was away in the staff room.

A moment before, he was awakened by the sound of footsteps and noises from the bed beside him, only to find out that it was his Senpai talking with the infirmary teacher. He originally did not have the intention to eavesdrop, but the topic they discussed had soon grabbed his attention.

He wondered of the relationship between the two. What did Senpai do to ruin his own brother's prospect of marriage?

Kei also finds it strange that Yuiko-sensei had seemed to be defensive when it came to Senpai. There was something protective in her attitude, even though she should be angry that Senpai had allegedly ruined her chance for marriage.

Kei wondered how the peaceful face beside him can hold so many secrets.

Curiously, Kei reached out to touch the smooth cheek that's like a perfectly sculpted sculpture. The bridge of his nose, the point of his chin, the runway of his neck; everything was an open curiosity to Kei.

He wondered if someone had touched him like this, or perhaps had kissed these places, leaving blossoming red marks that will make others blush with envy and embarrassment.

He wondered if the man called Sakata Gintoki had touched this man lovingly, dearly, like something preciously fragile that will break into pieces if treated without care.

He continuously wondered, about this man who is sleeping peacefully for once. He knew how often Hijikata Toushirou was plagued by nightmares since the incident several years ago. He knew how that time in the rooftop, Senpai had once again seen that repeated nightmare and had mistakenly took him as a ghost of the past.

He was attracted by the wavering look in Senpai's eyes, contrary from the strong gaze he paraded when he was in control of himself. There was a desire within him, to scrape away all his layers and make a mess out of him.

Kei pulled down the thin blanket, a gleam of mischief within his eyes.

He climbed in then, and tried to squeeze himself beside the sleeping Senpai. Senpai subconsciously moved, and quietly shivered as he slept. Kei, who noticed the flush in Senpai's cheeks, removed the cloth from his forehead to check his temperature.

'So hot…' he murmured.

He moved closer, holding the fevered body beside him close to his chest, the gleam of mischief disappeared to be replaced with something kinder.

He wondered if there'll ever be a time where he can leave this man alone.

* * *

**A/N**: *Senpai: Honourable/ Formal polite title for upper-classmen.

*Sensei: Honourable/ Formal polite title for teacher/doctor/lawyer etc. (those with higher qualifications).


	7. Strength

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except Kei and Sensei. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, self-harm, etc.**

* * *

**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

* * *

I woke up to the sound of the curtain divider being moved open.

With blurry eyes, I saw Yuiko-sensei with a surprised look on her face, gazing down at us. I hadn't noticed that after climbing in next to Senpai, I had also drifted off to sleep.

I ignored the piercing stare, and proceeded to check on the body temperature of the person beside me.

He was still warm, and his closed eyes showed no sign that the owner will wake up any soon.

Yuiko-sensei blinked twice as she tried to take in the scene before her. At last, she managed to utter, '…I suppose, you're Toushirou-kun's boyfriend?...'

The remark was so out of the blue that I had to stifle a laugh to keep the person in my embrace from waking. There was something amusing in Yuiko-sensei's bluntness and her straight-forward attitude. The way she jumped to conclusion, revealed her spontaneous thought-process and that was incredibly interesting.

She was a rare specimen that I have never encountered before.

'I'm a first-year from the class 1-A, Kobayashi Kei. Nice to meet you, Yuiko-sensei.'

'Ah,… the transfer student.' Yuiko-sensei nodded in greeting. 'I'm the infirmary teacher here. Come whenever you don't feel well.'

Yuiko-sensei sat on the small chair beside the bed and I carefully rose to a sitting position but just as suddenly, an arm rose up to grab a fistful of my shirt and tugged. Surprised, I stayed stock-still in an uncomfortable position in order not to wake him.

Yuiko-sensei, who saw the whole thing, chuckled, but she made no move to help.

'So?' she cleared her throat from the remnants of her laughter. 'What is your relationship with Toushirou-kun?'

'He's my Senpai.' I mischievously answered.

She rolled her eyes.

'…cheeky…' she muttered.

'Well, Sensei, what is _your _relationship with Senpai?'

The corner of her lips turned. She pleaded ignorance by giving a casual reply of, '…I'm his teacher, of course, what else?'. She knew though, that I was not convinced.

I tried to pry open the fingers holding the back of my shirt but they were unrelenting. So I gave up, and shifted and shuffled into a slightly more comfortable position.

Yuiko-Sensei, who watched in silence, stood up.

'…Would you care for tea?'

'If it's of no trouble.' I nodded.

She left to turn on the kettle on the other corner of the room. A moment later, she came back with two cups of tea and set them on the side table. She made a second trip to bring a basin of water and another small cloth for Senpai. After she set everything on the side table, she took a plain mug filled with steaming tea and offered it to me.

'Thank you.' I accepted the mug.

'You're welcome.' She gave a small smile.

I sipped at the hot and bitter taste of green tea, ignoring the discomfort from Yuiko-Sensei's sneaky glances.

'Is there something on my face?' I asked as I put the mug down.

'Eh? N-no. I was just curious why you didn't ask me more about Toushirou-kun.' She bit her lower lip. 'You weren't convinced of my answer at all, were you?'

'Hahaha… Sensei, you're so direct. But yes, you're right. I wasn't convinced at all because I had heard your conversation a moment ago with Senpai.' I calmly replied. 'No eavesdropping intended, of course.' I added.

Yuiko-Sensei shifted her gaze uncomfortably. 'How much did you hear?'

'Umm,… from the beginning, I guess?'

A heavy pause was created from my reply and it bore down uncomfortably on us.

'…Do you have a sibling, Kobayashi-kun?' She asked suddenly. There was a far away look in her eyes and I was unsure if the question was meant to be answered.

'…yes… an older brother…'

'I see,…' she drifted off.

She took her own mug of tea and sipped slowly. After putting it back on the table, she crossed her fingers in contemplation.

'I've known Toushirou-kun since the first-day he was accepted here.' She started. 'He was pretty popular back then, and he was the smartest in his whole year. He was the one who gave the speech for the entrance ceremony, you know.' She beamed proudly, as if his achievements were her own, but her expression slowly darkened as she went on.

'It was a couple of days after, when Toushirou-kun's class had their physical measurement. It was still an all-boys school back then, you see. So everyone just changed into their gym uniform in the classroom.' She sipped her tea slowly, reluctant to continue. I waited patiently, even though inside, I was torn between curiosity and a nervous anticipation.

'Toushirou-kun was strangely insistent. He wouldn't change in the classroom and tried to leave for the bathroom. But boys, being with what they are,-' She raised her brow at me. '-forcefully tried to strip him and make him change in there-…'

'-And that's when they saw his cuts.' She watched my expression closely and I wasn't even sure what kind of expression had even formed there.

'…cuts? As in,…' _Self-harm?_ I wanted to say, but didn't manage to.

She nodded at the unspoken word.

'Well, school was hell for him after that. The combination of being isolated by his classmates and the problems he had at home, sent him to this infirmary often enough and that's how I get to know him well, I suppose.' She concluded.

I tried to take in what she had said but as expected, it was hard for me to comprehend what had happened in Senpai's past.

'…What made him,… do it?'

Sensei pondered a while, and at last asked, 'How is your relationship with your brother, Kobayashi-kun?'

'…how?…' I hesitated. 'Well,… we fight and bicker over silly things. So, normal, I guess. Just like any other households.'

She nodded. 'Yes. I suppose that's how it normally is in a normal household… But in Toushirou-kun's case, you see, it seems that he had a strained relationship with his brother. Perhaps you could say, a complex?'

'…A brother-complex?'

'No, I think it's more like, an inferiority-complex-…'

_Ding Dong Ding-_

The sound of the bell to the last period startled us. She paused mid-sentence to glance at the time.

The short arm of the clock on the wall was pointed to three and the seconds spent in this hesitant pause went by very slowly. Looking through the window, I could see the blue of the sky uncovered by the drifting white of clouds.

'-I think I better stop there.' She stood up. 'Sorry, but I have to go now. I'm the temporary book club advisor, so I need to get the library keys from the staff room.' Sensei took the empty mugs with her to the sink.

'Sorry, but I'll have to leave Toushirou-kun to your care.' She hurriedly shuffled the documents at her desk, and after taking one paper that she needed out of the pile, she moved towards the door.

'That's fine.' I affirmed.

'Oh, and…' She paused before the door. '…please change his clothes if you can. It must be uncomfortable to stay in those sweaty uniform. There's a spare one in the last drawer.' She pointed at the wooden drawer near her desk.

'Well, I'm counting on you.' She bit her lower lip, and hurriedly left.

* * *

Once again, I tried to pry open the smooth fingers from the back of my shirt. This time, with gentle coaxing, I managed to pry them open one by one.

I moved to search through the drawer for the spare uniform and I could only find a gym uniform a size too big for him.

_Oh well, it's not like there's any choice. _I shrugged inside.

I looked at the -not so much a boy, but a- man now, sleeping there. He has no indication of waking soon, as if this peaceful repose was one that he hadn't found in years.

His calm, steady breathing reminded me of someone in a coma and even though I acknowledged the thought as morbid, I could not stop myself to pinch his cheek.

Hijikata Toushirou frowned in response and that was enough for me. I chuckled a slight '_sorry'_ before letting go and the calm expression returned to his face.

I unbuttoned his shirt and after soaking and wringing the small cloth in the cool water, I started to wipe him down. Sweat covered his body but I noticed that his built showed the tell-tale signs of being underweight. Supple chest and lithe limbs degraded into a thin frame.

What was more shocking, was the scars that are now exposed after being hidden by his clothes. Scars on his wrist, on his chest, on the side of his arm and on his thighs. They're wounds that he had made himself.

I wondered what the point of it was. Why would he hurt himself when he could just externalise his anger - be it grabbing someone by the collar or throwing something until there's no longer anything to throw.

I looked away from his past, and continued to wipe him down methodically. It was easy for me to wrestle him out of his clothes and to dress him into new ones. At one point, there was a muffled drawl of something like, '_…yonnaise…' _and I thought he will truly wake up then, but I was proven wrong.

I kept him company until the last school bell sounded. The voice of the teacher broadcasted from the speaker overhead, reminded students to go straight home before it gets dark.

Yuiko-Sensei came and she was surprised to see that we were still there.

'He seemed really tired for the past few days so I didn't have the heart to wake him.' Was my excuse.

Sensei gave a grim smile in understanding.

'Should I call his brother to take him home?' She offered.

'If it's okay, I can take him home? Where does he live?'

'Not far. Only 10 minutes away from the station. Here, I'll give you his address.' Yuiko-Sensei scribbled something on the small notebook she took from her chest pocket, and after a few sentence, she ripped the paper away to give it to me.

'I'll grab our bags and then we'll head off, Sensei.'

She nodded. 'Be careful on your way.'

And with that, I was curiously headed to Senpai's house, with his cute sleeping face rested on the back of my shoulder.

* * *

**A/N: a bit of backstory and not much Hijikata interaction here...**


	8. Sincerity

**Disclaimer: I own no characters except Kouhai and Sensei. Also based off Sora wo Daite, Oyasumi**

**Warning: Suicide-related, loss, sorrow, grieve, self-harm etc.**

* * *

**The Blue Left Behind is Not Enough to Paint the Sky**

* * *

After turning around a quiet street, Kei found it - a small two-storeys house painted with the colour of milky white.

The nameplate indicated that he was at the right address, but none of the lights in the house are turned on. Kei rang the doorbell twice and was met without an answer.

'Is no one home yet?' He wondered out loud. 'Even though it's already this late.'

Kei was about to press the doorbell once more when a man in suit, -perhaps in his late twenties-, hurriedly jogged up to him upon seeing him.

'Excuse me, can I help you?' The man stopped in front of the black front-gate.

'Is this the Hijikata's house-' before Kei could finish, the man noticed the familiar face of the unconscious student on top of Kei's shoulder.

'-Toshi!? Wh-what happened!? Toshi! Are you alright?'

'It's alright. He had a fever early this afternoon but it had come down and he's just sleeping now.' Kei shifted on his feet. 'Sorry, are you Hijikata-Senpai's brother?'

'Ah, yes.' Tamegoro was startled and upon noticing that they're still standing around at the front gate, he apologised earnestly. 'I'm sorry for being inconsiderate. Please, come on in. Thank you for bringing him home.'

Kei went inside, muttering a low 'Excuse me,' as he left his shoes by the front door and stepped into an indoor shoes that Tamegoro had prepared for him. Upon entering the small house, Kei saw a modest living room attached to an open kitchen with a door next to the stairs that led to a second-storey. At the back of the living room, separated by a glass sliding door, was a small garden that seemed well-tended.

Hijikata Toshirou's place can be said modest and yet from another perspective, it can also be said that their lifestyle looked so peaceful, that it seemed superficial.

Tamegorou opened the door next to the staircase and ushered him in to a plain bedroom. Kei placed Hijikata gently on the mattress and Tamegorou helped him in tucking Hijikata into the sheets.

They backed away slowly into the living room, whereupon Tamegorou served tea and apologies for all the trouble that Kei had done in bringing Toushirou home.

'It's of no trouble at all.' Kei settled himself onto the sofa. 'I've been curious about Senpai's place and had wanted to come visit once. I just never imagined that I'll be visiting like this.'

'Haha… I bet.' Tamegorou returned with biscuits and tea for the guest. He settled onto the opposite sofa.

'I'm just glad that he has someone who would care about him at school. Toshi,- I mean, Toushirou, can be a stubborn guy and wouldn't tell anyone anything when it involves his well-being, after all. I'm glad you were there for him, Kobayashi-kun.'

'It's nothing. I've also been indebted to Senpai, so please, don't act so reserved. Just call me Kei.'

'Very well. It's been a while since Toshi brought a friend home. I hope you'll continue to come visit us, Kei-kun.'

'Of course, I'll gladly accept that invitation.' He chuckled politely.

Tamegorou placed his cup back on the table.

'So,.. forgive me for asking but, is Toshi getting along well at school?'

The question came softly and Kei picked up the change in the mood quite quickly.

'I suppose.' Kei could not give the positive reply that Tamegorou had hoped for, nor is he willing to deny the statement so strongly.

'…Did something… happen before?'

Tamegorou smiled awkwardly. 'Our Toshi is just a bit of an anti-social so he tends to be misunderstood by others. I think it's been difficult for him to make friends.' He snuffled a small laugh. '…even though he's good at sports and his school grades are to be admired, you do wonder how he can turn out to be so awkward.'

'Perhaps they're just jealous of him then. It's better to not have people like that as friends in the first place.' Kei casually remarked as he sipped his tea.

Tamegorou looked surprised. 'I didn't expect someone of your age to say something like that. You're more mature than I had thought, Kei-kun.'

Tamegorou fidgeted with his hands and looking down, he reluctantly admitted to Kei. 'Perhaps I should have been as mature as you.' He paused. 'Actually, it would've been better if Toshi just didn't have me as a brother. It was me who had been jealous of him. And I'm sure it was me who had changed him for the worse.'

An expression of guilt was unsuccessfully kept at bay.

'If you don't mind, would you tell me more about Senpai?' Kei gently prodded. The man sitting opposite of him tried to relax by crossing his fingers. He was half-tense in trying to relay the relationship of his brother with himself.

'Ah, Toshi and I are only half-brothers.' Tamegorou tried to keep his tone light, acknowledging the heaviness of the content of his words.

'Toshi was my Father's illegitimate child and he was adopted into the family when he was four. Ever since he was small, he has been good at anything he had put his mind into.' There were hints of past envy and bitterness in Tamegorou's words.

'I didn't handle it well, I suppose. I felt that he had usurped my place and I continued to resent him for that.' He glanced furtively. 'I know that the resentment is misguided but puberty brought out the worst in me. I know it was unfair of me and Toshi probably had an inkling of how I felt towards him since early on but he never said anything about it to me.'

'In my last year of high school, our parents were involved in an accident and I was left behind with Toshi and no relatives to really rely on. Luckily, it was a month until I was supposed to graduate and so we made do with the money from our inheritance and the two of us kept living in this house.'

It was a roller-coaster of emotion as at first, anger, jealousy, and then guilt, continued to colour his confession.

Tamegorou sipped his tea that is getting colder.

'I failed as an older brother. I didn't do anything to support him back then and he had found his own solace in his own way.' Tamegorou uncomfortably shifted. 'I was too busy wallowing in my own sorrow and also of my newfound responsibility of replacing our parents.'

'I'm sure anyone else could make the same mistake.' Kei could only offer gentle words of consolation to the melancholic expression in front of him. He did notice, however, of Tamegorou's reluctance to focus the story on Toushirou, and Tamegorou's confession was largely filtered with the guilt that he had been holding in.

Tamegorou looked up, and smiled sadly.

'I broke his trust two years ago, on the funeral for the death of his best friend. Since then, my relationship with him have been… rocky.'

Tamegorou crossed and uncrossed his fingers together - there was hurt portrayed in the kind brown-eyes that met Kei's own grey ones.

'Although this may be imposing on you, I hope you can continue to be friends with him Kei-kun,' he pleaded.

Kei couldn't break away from that gaze and although he knew that he may be promising something that he couldn't keep, he gave Tamegorou a small nod in response.

The sound of the door clicking open surprised the two of them.

'Toushi! You're up!' Tamegorou almost jumped up to a full attention. 'Are you feeling ok?'

There was a monotonous mutter in response but it stopped halfway when Hijikata Toushirou spotted the intruder in the living room.

He gave a wordless glare and instantly, his guard was put up.

'What are you doing here?' Toushirou demanded.

'I'm drinking tea and eating biscuits. Want some, Senpai?' A plate of biscuits were extended towards the raven-head.

'That's not what I mean! Who gave you permission to drink tea in someone's house!?'

'Toushi, don't be rude. He was the one to carry you home when you were feeling unwell.' Tamegorou chided.

Toushirou could not believe his ears. '…you carried me home? I didn't ask you to.'

'Toushi!'

'Next time, mind your own business!' Toushirou shut the door to his bedroom with a forceful slam.

Tamegorou faced Kei hesitantly. 'I'm sorry.'

Kei shook his head, showing that there was no need for Tamegorou to apologise on Hijikata's behalf. He smiled as if to say that that little display of anger did not bother him.

'It's already late so it's best that I head back.' Kei picked up his bag. 'Thank you for your hospitality.'

'No, it's me who have to thank you.' Tamegorou accompanied him to the front door and opened the door for him while he changed his shoes. 'Please don't take what Toushi said to mind. Do come again when you have the time.'

Kei nodded and walked out of that black front-gate to head the way that he had came from.

* * *

**A/N: **I hate life. I just want to write but I never had the time. Please blame my lack of update on life.


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